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After an agonizing wait that included me calling the infertility clinic at closing time to make sure they didn’t leave without telling me the results of my beta, my suspicions were confirmed.

Negative. Not a chemical, but entirely negative. Just like I thought it would be.

They called me a half hour after closing time, and I was freaking out the whole time thinking they’d forget to call me and go home for the day. But they called, and now I can move forward after what was definitely my worst two-week wait up to this point.

I always feel like my life is on hold during the two-week wait. For those unfamiliar with the two-week wait (2ww), that’s the length of time between ovulation (or embryo transfer, in the instance of IVF) and the time you can get an accurate result on a pregnancy test. You don’t know if you’re pregnant but you have to act like you are.

This most recent negative result has been the hardest one yet. I did everything I could possibly do to set up for success: acupuncture, massage, vitamins, relaxation, medicine, herbal supplements, bed rest, good diet.

Maybe I’m not supposed to have kids. But if that’s the case I start to think about whether there’s something so wrong with me that I shouldn’t have kids. I don’t think so, but doubts like that just creep in sometimes and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. I think if I was meant to have kids that I should have them by now. I just don’t know.

I need to schedule yet another post-IVF consult with my reproductive endocrinologist. I’m sort of mad at him, to be honest. I want a positive outcome and he hasn’t delivered, but I really believe he is performing to the best of his ability.I just don’t know how I’m going to know when to say enough is enough. I definitely think a break is in order right now, though.

I’m so disappointed. I had a really good feeling this time.

 

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I took a bit of a hiatus from blogging for a while. Some things were going on at home that took up more of my time than usual lately. However, I have not been on an infertility hiatus.

In February I started preparations for a frozen embryo transfer (FET). We had frozen two embryos in August after we transferred two during the fresh cycle. We transferred both blastocysts, graded B1 and B4, on February 22nd.

My beta was this morning, and I’m waiting for the call.

I’m expecting it to be negative.

I tested twice at home, once at 6dp5dt (11 dpo) and once at 8dp5dt (13 dpo) and both were unquestionably negative. Today I’m 13dp5dt.

We had really high hopes for this one. After all, we’ve had two failed fresh cycles and one natural pregnancy that ended up being chemical. We figured we were ocerdue to catch a break. I still have a tiny bit of hope left, but I wish I didn’t so it would be easier to get the news later. I was up half the night last night thinking about today and trying to decide what to do next. This last round included the progesterone injection, which is something new to my protocol. After going through that for three weeks, it doesn’t make me too anxious to try again. Not to mention that we’ve paid for two fresh IVF cycles and one frozen transfer entirely out of pocket in the past year. We just don’t have much money left, and I’m not sure I have the mental stamina for it either. Knowing we’ve dumped so much money into a fleeting pursuit of having children and that we still have nothing to show for it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.

I’m also questioning my choice of clinic. Silly, really, because their success rate is so high. I think the success rate for IVF for them right now is around 90%. I see that and I think wow, it really should be my turn any time now. And then I think about how, according to the success rate, that I really should have had some success myself by now, and how really unlucky I must be to have been in that 10% of failure three times in a row.

Well, I have no more than one hour left to wait. It’s 3 P.M. and the clinic closes at 4. I guess I’ll go pace the house until then.

Finally heard back from the doctor yesterday after a little pressure from yours truly. Meaning I called them and asked, “Where the hell are my results?”

There’s nothing wrong with me.

Other than my exceptional amount of bad luck.

no red flags came up on my recurrent miscarriage workup. Still waiting for the biopsy that should have been completed three weeks ago, but I don’t expect different results regarding that. We’ll see, though.

In the meantime we will continue to try casually on our own. I’ll need to make arrangements soon for a frozen embryo transfer if the next few months on our own aren’t successful. Don’t want to wait too long and give the endometriosis a chance to destroy anything else.

I haven’t written anything in a while because there hasn’t been much to report regarding my infertility treatments, and with the holidays coming I’ve been busy with other stuff. But I did have my D&C on November 9th. The doctor found some placenta left in my uterus, so he removed it and sent it off to pathology for a biopsy. I haven’t heard anything back yet. If I haven’t heard anything by the end of next week I plan to give them a call. I also had blood work done a couple weeks ago for recurrent miscarriage. I’m very interested in hearing the results. My gut has always told me I have something more going on than just endometriosis, but I’m more than happy to be wrong about that.

We were scheduled to do a FET in January, but I think it would be a good idea to wait for my test results. So we’re holding off on that for a bit. We’ll try on our own for a few months in the meantime. I always go back and forth about waiting or trying on our own for an extended amount of time. I always worry about losing my one and only remaining ovary to adhesions or cysts caused by my Stage IV endometriosis. I also wonder if I should try another cycle or two of IVF before I use my frozen embryos. IVF is exponentially more expensive than a frozen embryo transfer, but I have the security of knowing if something happens to my ovary that there’s always these embryos waiting to be transferred. But the embryos might not take. I’ve had five embryos transferred and only one took, and that was only for a short time. I just don’t know which path is best. I’m sort of thinking a three-cycle IVF package might be good if I can freeze embryos from the first two rounds and have the embryos from the third round for a fresh transfer. I guess I’ll have to check into my clinic’s policy regarding that. *makes note to self*

Of course it totally annoys me that I didn’t just get the three-cycle IVF package to begin with, considering I’ve had two failed cycles thus far, and those cycles produced a total of seven embryos, five of which have been transferred so far.

While I wait for my results I will continue seeing my acupuncturist for infertility treatment. After my first failed pregnancy, my acupuncturist started me on some Chinese herbs and two weeks later I was pregnant again, so it’s either a huge coincidence (like super-mega huge, considering I’d never gotten pregnant on my own in seven years of marriage)  or there really is something about those herbs. I’m back on them now, so we’ll see.

Anyway, I’ll post my results from the blood work and the biopsy when I get them.