After an agonizing wait that included me calling the infertility clinic at closing time to make sure they didn’t leave without telling me the results of my beta, my suspicions were confirmed.

Negative. Not a chemical, but entirely negative. Just like I thought it would be.

They called me a half hour after closing time, and I was freaking out the whole time thinking they’d forget to call me and go home for the day. But they called, and now I can move forward after what was definitely my worst two-week wait up to this point.

I always feel like my life is on hold during the two-week wait. For those unfamiliar with the two-week wait (2ww), that’s the length of time between ovulation (or embryo transfer, in the instance of IVF) and the time you can get an accurate result on a pregnancy test. You don’t know if you’re pregnant but you have to act like you are.

This most recent negative result has been the hardest one yet. I did everything I could possibly do to set up for success: acupuncture, massage, vitamins, relaxation, medicine, herbal supplements, bed rest, good diet.

Maybe I’m not supposed to have kids. But if that’s the case I start to think about whether there’s something so wrong with me that I shouldn’t have kids. I don’t think so, but doubts like that just creep in sometimes and there’s nothing you can do to stop them. I think if I was meant to have kids that I should have them by now. I just don’t know.

I need to schedule yet another post-IVF consult with my reproductive endocrinologist. I’m sort of mad at him, to be honest. I want a positive outcome and he hasn’t delivered, but I really believe he is performing to the best of his ability.I just don’t know how I’m going to know when to say enough is enough. I definitely think a break is in order right now, though.

I’m so disappointed. I had a really good feeling this time.