I figured I’d write a quick update since I haven’t written much lately, but there isn’t much going on.

Since my most recent infertility fiasco I’ve been struggling with deciding what to do next. My infertility clinic has send me a schedule for a February FET. This schedule included a rather lengthy stint on a drug I really don’t want to revisit: Lupron. I had a month-long, horrible, never-ending headache while taking it. I also noticed blurry vision while taking it. For a person who’s already legally blind, this is a really alarming side effect. The headache and blurry vision went away about a week after finishing the medication, but I still have one particularly annoying side effect from Lupron. Tiny little pinprick-sized flashes of light every once in a while. It looks like a tiny flashbulb going off in my field of vision. It’s very fast and comes and goes in half a second, but it’s startling and distracting, and I’ve been off Lupron since August. I told my clinic that I didn’t want to take Lupron again and my doctor seemed fine with that but the nurse who writes the protocols basically told me Lupron’s a necessity, and I acquiesced. However, after lots of thinking, I’ve decided to put my foot down. My husband and I want kids, but not at the expense of my vision.

I know there are protocols that don’t include Lurpon. My first IVF cycle didn’t use it. However, that cycle was unsuccessful, and my second cycle used Lupron and did result in a pregnancy, albeit a non-viable one. I just don’t know what to do now.

My thought right now is to just go along with acupuncture and herbs for now since it actually might have had some positive results, considering I wasn’t undergoing any infertility treatment except acupuncture when I got pregnant (the second time) in September. But since it didn’t work last month (the first time we could try again since the D&C) I’m doubting that choice too, which is silly; I know that. But I’m impatient. And I don’t know what the right answer is.

Maybe I’m not supposed to have kids. Maybe I’m stupidly ignoring all these huge clues from the universe.

What next?

How am I supposed to know the right answer?