Most people have heard of the phrase “a little pregnant,” and they usually poke fun at it. Is it possible to be a little pregnant? People tend to think either you are or you aren’t.


Let me be the first to tell you:  it’s entirely possible to be a little pregnant. I’ve done it once, and I’m doing it again right this very second.


Here’s how I define “a little pregnant”: you’re pregnant but your hCG and progesterone levels are really low and not rising as they would during a viable pregnancy. Every piece of information you have indicates a non-viable pregnancy, yet you hold on to an irrational hope that you’re the exception and it might actually pan out.


Obviously I got my blood work back the other day. I really didn’t feel like posting that day, or the next day or the next day. But I’m ready now. My first beta was 23. That was a week ago Tuesday (today’s Friday). Last Friday it was 31. Tuesday (a week after the first one) it was only 35. It should have been at least 100-200 (a very conservative estimate from my doctor).


What does one do with this information?


Well, pretty much nothing. I just get to wait. I told the doctor’s office I didn’t want to do more than one more blood test since they think my numbers will go down, thus indicating miscarriage occurred. They think that should happen by Monday, so I’m going in for one more blood draw Tuesday.


This whole thing is a complete disaster. Aside from the obvious disappointment of again not having a successful pregnancy, two other things aren’t happening either. Remember, we conceived on our own this time, totally unintentionally. I just miscarried last month after IVF. After the miscarriage I decided we needed a little vacation, so we were going to go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios for a couple days. Well, once I found out I was pregnant again we obviously couldn’t do it, so we didn’t make the plans. Now I can go, probably, but it’s too late for my husband to get time off work, and he works six days a week for the next two weeks, so we can’t even fit in a little weekend trip down there. On top of that, we had planned a frozen embryo transfer for December. In order to prepare I needed to start some drugs yesterday, but since I’m technically pregnant, I’m not allowed to start them yet, and that means I missed the window for a December transfer.

And now my RE wants to do a reconsult with me to discuss causes of recurring miscarriage. That isn’t until next month, and I might even miss the window for a January transfer too. After I got my numbers back Tuesday, I expressed my concern over a possible immune issue causing me to miscarry. My RE suggested a possible problem with antibodies in my bloodstream producing hCG that shows up in blood work but won’t on a HPT, so he told me to take a HPT and see if it was positive. If it was negative, then I had an antibody issue of some kind. However, it was positive, so we can cross that off the list. It was really mean to make me take a HPT and see the PREGNANT result on the digital test, though.


So anyway, that’s where we are. I’m stuck here wondering if I should live my life as usual or not. All indicators point to things not working out, and I feel guilty for wishing I could just move forward, but I also can’t shake that tin bit of hope off. Maybe it will work out. But probably not. But maybe.


I really need a drink, damn it.